Understanding Grief and Loss

A practical resource for making sense of grief and supporting wellbeing

This resource and the accompanying worksheets are educational tools, not replacements for professional mental health support. If difficult emotions arise, seeking professional help is a sign of strength.

Introduction: Why This Matters

Grief is a universal human experience, yet it is often misunderstood, rushed, or minimised. Many people expect grief to follow a predictable path or to “resolve” after a certain amount of time. When this doesn’t happen, people may feel confused, isolated, or as though something is wrong with them.

Grief can arise not only from the death of someone important, but from many forms of loss, including:

• Relationship endings
• Changes in health or ability
• Loss of identity, role, or future plans
• Major life transitions
• Disruption to safety, stability, or meaning

This resource is designed to help you understand what grief is, why it affects people so deeply, and how it can show up in everyday life. The focus is on education, reassurance, and gentle support — not on reliving or analysing personal losses.

What Is Grief?

Grief is the natural response to loss. It reflects the emotional, physical, and psychological impact of something meaningful being taken away or changed.

At its core, grief exists because something mattered.

Grief is not a weakness or a problem to fix. It is a sign of connection, attachment, and meaning. The intensity of grief is not a measure of strength or resilience — it is a reflection of the significance of what was lost.

Loss Comes in Many Forms

People often associate grief only with bereavement, but grief can occur whenever there is a meaningful loss.

This may include:

• Loss of a person
• Loss of a relationship or family structure
• Loss of health, independence, or ability
• Loss of a job, career, or sense of purpose
• Loss of identity, routine, or future expectations

Because some losses are less visible or socially recognised, people may feel unsure whether they are “allowed” to grieve. In reality, grief does not require permission.

There Is No “Right” Way to Grieve

Grief does not follow a straight line or a universal timeline. It does not move neatly through stages, and it rarely progresses in a predictable order.

Grief may:

• Come in waves
• Ease and then resurface
• Change over time
• Coexist with moments of calm, relief, or even joy

Experiencing mixed emotions does not mean grief is absent or unresolved. It means the nervous system and mind are adapting.

Common Ways Grief Can Show Up

Grief affects the whole person — not just emotions.

Emotional experiences may include:

• Sadness
• Numbness
• Irritability
• Guilt
• Longing
• Emotional exhaustion

Mental experiences may include:

• Difficulty concentrating
• Forgetfulness
• Mental fog
• Intrusive thoughts
• Reduced motivation

Physical experiences may include:

• Fatigue
• Changes in sleep or appetite
• Body tension or heaviness
• Increased sensitivity to stress

These responses are normal and adaptive. They reflect a system adjusting to change.

Grief and the Nervous System

Loss can activate the nervous system’s threat and stress responses. Even when the loss is not sudden or traumatic, the body may respond as though safety or stability has been disrupted.

This can affect:

• Energy levels
• Emotional regulation
• Mental clarity
• Stress tolerance

Understanding this helps explain why grief can feel overwhelming or exhausting, even when a person is “coping” externally.

Why Grief Can Feel Isolating

Grief often feels isolating because:

• Others may expect recovery to happen quickly
• People may avoid the topic out of discomfort
• Support may fade over time
• The experience can feel deeply personal

Many people learn to hide grief to avoid burdening others. While understandable, this can increase feelings of loneliness.

Grief does not mean you need to be alone — even if it feels that way at times.

Grief Is Not a Problem to Solve

A common misunderstanding is that grief must be “processed” or “resolved” in order to move forward.

In reality, grief is not something you complete. It is something you integrate.

Over time, most people do not “get over” loss — they learn how to carry it differently. The pain may soften, change shape, or take up less space, but the meaning of what was lost often remains.

Supporting Yourself Through Grief

During grief, gentle support is more helpful than intense self-examination.

Helpful approaches often include:

• Allowing emotions to come and go without forcing them
• Maintaining basic routines where possible
• Prioritising rest and nourishment
• Reducing unnecessary pressure or expectations
• Seeking connection when it feels safe

Stability, predictability, and kindness toward yourself support healing more effectively than pushing for insight or resolution.

Grief and Everyday Functioning

Grief can affect work, relationships, motivation, and focus. This does not mean you are failing — it means your system is adapting.

It can be helpful to:

• Adjust expectations temporarily
• Break tasks into smaller steps
• Allow flexibility in productivity
• Recognise when rest is needed

Functioning may fluctuate, and that is normal.

When Grief Changes Over Time

Grief often changes rather than disappears. Many people notice:

• Less intensity over time
• More space between difficult moments
• Greater capacity to engage with life again

Setbacks or anniversaries can bring renewed waves of grief. This does not mean you are going backwards — it means grief is responding to reminders and meaning.

How Understanding Grief Supports Wellbeing

Understanding grief:

• Reduces self-judgment
• Normalises emotional responses
• Increases compassion toward yourself and others
• Supports mental and emotional stability
• Encourages appropriate support-seeking

Education helps people move from “What’s wrong with me?” to “This makes sense.”

How to Use the Worksheets

The accompanying worksheets are designed to:

• Reinforce understanding of grief
• Support gentle reflection without revisiting painful details
• Encourage self-compassion and stability
• Focus on wellbeing rather than analysis

You are encouraged to go at your own pace and skip anything that does not feel supportive.

A Final Note

Grief is not a sign of weakness.
It is a sign of connection, meaning, and humanity.

How to Access Further Support in New Zealand:

• Contact your local GP

• Dial 111 for immediate support

 • Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor

• Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP)

• Youth line – free text 234, call 0800 376 633, webchat at youthline.co.nz, DM on Instagram @youthlinenz, message on Whats App 09 886 56 96.

• Samaritans – 0800 726 666

• Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

• Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202 To talk to a trained counsellor about how you are feeling or to ask any questions

• Anxiety NZ – 0800 269 4389 (0800 ANXIETY)